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Gifted and Talented Students: It Takes Two to Tango

It Takes Two to Tango

Creating and Maintaining Positive Partnerships between Parents and Teachers

Tracy L. Riley, PhD

Presented 17 April 1999, at the "Inside Out: Understanding the Needs of the Gifted Children Conference", Christchurch, New Zealand.

On my last trip home to America my parents relayed the news of building a new home and moving out of ours of 20 years. And that I was to clean out my share of the attic space! Going through the collection of memories a young teenager keeps I found a photo from my first high school dance. Following a flood of memories, I flipped over the picture and read these words, written in my own teenage scrawl: My first dance! What a bore! (And the word bore was all in capital letters – emphasising my obvious delight over one of many cultural rituals!)

I began thinking about why such an exciting event would have left me "bored" at the end of the evening. Though a gangly, curly-haired, honours student, surely at 15 I wasn't such a "nerd" that I didn't fancy dancing! In retrospect my boredom probably stemmed from disappointment caused over a set of unrealised expectations: my own and those of others, those I'd dreamt up in my rose-coloured glasses of youth and those fuelled by the latest media portrayals of dancing teens – those expectations of family and friends and of course his expectations too!

Do you remember your first dance? Looking back, its a wonder I survived all that excitement laced with anxiety! I'd never walked in heels, much less danced in a long dress! What if I tripped and fell? Or worse yet, what if that darn strapless bra slid down to my waist? Staying out until midnight – alone in his mother's station wagon -slow dancing – wearing a corsage – dancing, dancing, dancing. It all seemed so fun, packed with potential – yet nerve-racking all the same. And at the end of it all, dress packed away, flowers wilted, party over, all I had was a photo depicting a couple of nervously smiling teens, inscribed on the back with the word "bore!"

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Unfortunately my first parent-teacher meeting as a bright-eyed, newly trained teacher was much the same. Teaching in a 12-teacher, rural Mississippi school, I'd prepared my classroom beautifully with my 8-year-olds' artwork. Folders of material for parents lay out waiting on the desktops. I was nervous. What if they asked me something I didn't know? After all I only knew what I'd read in textbooks, seen in similar classrooms, experienced as the eldest of five children. I didn't have any children of my own – just 25 8 year olds I taught reading, writing, and arithmetic to each day.

Do you know what happened? Like that first high school dance I was bored! Only one parent came to see me that night – and she was a fellow teacher I saw daily. I was left feeling deflated, let down, disappointed. Where were the other 24 parents?

I also recall my first parent-teacher conference as a parent. With similar anxieties I entered the classroom. What if my gorgeous blue-eyed baby had learning problems ... or worse yet was labelled "severely gifted?" Much to my relief – at the moment – he was fine, a good student making progress. Whew! What a relief! But I later thought "hang on! I knew that!" Had I not asked enough questions? or the right questions? I wanted to know more. How was his reading? his maths? his social development?

On all three of these occasions I'd have to say I was both unprepared, yet filled with expectations. Whether I was dancing with the prince or the enemy I'm not quite sure – but if it takes two to tango I was doing it on my own ... and without lessons, nor experience – just a tune whistling in my head – a step I'd never practised, but seen others tap out before me. As parents and teachers of gifted children, we shouldn't try tangoing on our own ... it takes two! If a snapshot of our dance together reads "great! fantastic! awesome!" We've succeeded with rhythm, style, flair – and for our children that should be our aim.

I'd like to take this time this morning to share with you some techniques we can use in creating and maintaining positive relationships between parents and educators of gifted children. My primary focus will be upon the development of communication skills to enhance the goal of maximizing the abilities of gifted children. Drawing upon a combination of theory, practice, and personal experiences, my intent is to share with you a variety of ideas. Some may seem good common sense, others textbook bound, but we'll dance our way through the issues in hopes of leaving you each with a snapshot of ideas that will work for you! So let's get dancing!

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Getting to know your dance partner Perhaps one of the first steps in dancing has little to do with movement or rhythm, but everything to do with our dance partner. Its essential we get to know that other person well, so we can move into a comfort zone which allows us to dance gracefully and elegantly ... otherwise, toes can get stepped upon, we can be misdirected, we can find ourselves on a crash course towards collision! That said, I should say that in some cases we don't quite know our dance partner. In fact, it could be that handsome stranger in a crowded room. Just remember though what happened to Cinderella ... even if she danced the night away in the arms of a handsome prince the clock still struck twelve at midnight!

I'd like to share with you some facts profiling parents and teachers of gifted children. Hopefully by better understanding the many dancers in a child's education – both at home and school – a sense of respect between parties can be established. From a respectful, understanding position we are better prepared to work together in nurturing the abilities of gifted children.

I'll begin with parents. Though often misportrayed by educators as "pushy," I'd argue that most parents of gifted children are pushed. They are pushed in many directions by children with exceptional abilities ... from active babies to questioning toddlers to knowledgeable preschoolers and eventually school bound 5-year-olds who start with a bang, yet unfortunately are all too soon faced with boredom, repetition, lack of recognition. As Linda Silverman (1993) writes "despite rumours to the contrary, most parents do not pray to have gifted children" (p. 151). In her words, when these beautiful little creatures appear and develop, "parents are often puzzled as to how to meet their needs" (p. 151).

The support, resources, information available to parents is often minimal. And as a result it can be a lonely, isolated road upon which many travel. Additionally, these parents are often bombarded by the many myths related to giftedness and as Silverman (1993) states "continuously discounted" (p. 151). Family, friends, and educators may patronise parents with the myth that "all children are gifted" ... or they may criticise parents for pushing the child too hard ... they may label the parents as unusual or strange or even bad for allowing their child to dance to a different beat. These messages can leave parents questioning their own judgement, feeling frustrated, and often at wit's end trying to make sense of their parenting role.

Why does this occur? How is it that a group of parents, who like most parents simply want what is best for their child, can be so slighted? I have my own theory on this one (though I'm sure its not a novel thought!) ... lack of education, information, understanding of the gifted child. Whether we are talking about Aunt Mary's plea not to push so hard or the principal's insistence that all children are gifted, these roadblocks are fostered by an uninformed, and thus, often threatened, audience. Using my dance analogy, I have many reservations regarding square dancing (even if I'm from the deep south!). I'd quickly say I don't like it and refuse to try it out – but those stem simply from my own lack of experience and understanding. I don't know the steps! And I'd be downright threatened if asked to do the "hoedown" for you today.

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Educators in the audience ... listen! Parents know the steps. In my experience I've found, and much to my dismay as a teacher educator, that when asked to describe behaviours and characteristics of gifted children, parental groups list pages upon pages of classical textbook answers. Teachers don't! Parents are living day in and day out with these children – and have since birth. Parents are often eagerly searching for advice, information, support, absolutely anything to help them get through their job of raising a gifted child. As a result they are quite often well-read and knowledgeable. Yes, some parents overestimate their children's abilities or may even misunderstand them, but in most cases this simply isn't true. Parents have much to offer educators because their commitment to the education and development of gifted children extends beyond four terms a year.

Parents are most often faced with a series of challenges at home and school. I can tell you story after story about mothers and fathers who come to me seeking answers to their questions ... where should we send her to school? why doesn't he have any friends? why won't she sleep at night? is it okay to let him read books for young teens when his teacher insists he read at the six-year-old level because he's six? how can I encourage her to want to go to school when she's berated by the teacher for asking too many questions? And my worse case scenario ... what do we do about our 16-year-old son who attempted suicide because he sees no point in playing the game any longer?

Researchers throughout the world support these parental concerns. Parents often bring to the dance the following:

Parents are also faced with challenges regarding undertaking assessment and school placement, relating to school personnel, and facilitating peer relations (Silverman, 1993). Perhaps the most difficult challenge for parents is playing the role of advocate for their gifted child. As I say to many who contact me – at the end of the day you are your child's best advocate and often times, their only advocate. Teachers, friends, support people may come on and off the dance floor of a gifted child's life – but the parents are there until the last dance. Its not an easy task. The parental dance requires commitment and perseverance.

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That same dedication and drive is needed for teachers, whose daily decisions in the classroom affect the lives of many children. Teachers are faced with curriculum demands and a range of abilities within a single classroom. They act as facilitators, administrators, managers, caregivers as they direct the intellectual pursuits of their students. The abilities and skills required to choreograph a classroom are many. And when thrown into the group of dancers are children who challenge the traditional waltz, become bored with the same old steps, or better yet create their own jig, teachers are confronted with the need for yet another bag of tricks.

Educators throughout the world have examined the unique professional, philosophical, and personality traits that enable a teacher to better meet the needs of gifted children. While some of these may be inherent, built into one's individual character, many are teachable – requiring a combination of knowledge and experience for mastery. In New Zealand teacher education programmes, opportunities for exposure to theory and practice in the education of gifted children appears to be minimal. At all levels – pre and in-service, undergraduate and graduate – gifted education is viewed as an option, a possibility for exploration, but certainly not an expectation. While specialised programmes of study may well exist, they are just that – specialized. They are not generalised across the teacher population.

The need, however, exists for all teachers to gain some exposure to gifted education – because all teachers are in fact teachers of gifted children. A study conducted in the United States (Cramer, 1991, cited in Feldhusen, 1997) supports this notion. Among the conclusions derived from probing the minds of 29 national experts in gifted education, one was that all teachers should receive some basic information on the behaviours and needs of gifted children. Do our teachers in New Zealand receive the necessary education? I can only answer from my experience at Massey, but I believe I wouldn't be far from wrong in stating that we'd find a mirror image reflected throughout the country ... and the answer is no.

When research bears out the need for teachers to understand gifted behaviours, identification methods, teaching strategies, curriculum differentiation (Feldhusen, 1997), these meagre offerings are not enough. Additionally teachers often lack school support by way of policies and practices. Though the national curriculum framework addresses the need for schools to develop the potential of all students, regardless of ability, the pragmatics for doing so are not in place. To date, the Ministry has remained virtually unattached to this issue – leaving responsibility to schools and ultimately classroom teachers.

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A grim picture? Indeed. Now, parents in the audience, its time for you to listen! Teachers are often overworked and under skilled in the education of gifted children. That does not, however, mean they are not well-intended, committed, willing to work with parents, able to develop a greater set of skills and abilities. Just as it is wrong for all parents of gifted children to be labelled as pushy, it is wrong to label all teachers as uninterested, lacking commitment, and so on. Be aware that teachers are often dancing as fast as they can, perhaps a dance of which they have little experience or knowledge, but much determination.

Sylvia Rimm (1994) reminds us of the goodwill of teachers in her book Keys to Parenting Gifted Children when she states

"Most teachers become teachers because they want to teach children. They usually care about their students. Now, you may say that you could prove that this isn't the case with some teachers who have taught your children. A small percentage of teachers may feel and act 'burned out,' may not want to teach anymore, never really wanted to teach, or thought teaching would be something different from what they are experiencing. However, the vast majority of teachers want to guide your children toward positive learning experiences" (p. 88).

In a recent issue of Parenting for High Potential, a magazine published by the US National Association for Gifted Children, Lynn Cole and Barry Frieman (1998) outline a series of common statements parents make, or would like to make, to educators about their gifted children. As I read these I wondered what teachers might like to say to parents. Just as parents want teachers to know their children are self-driven, in need of a differentiated curriculum, and while precocious, not necessarily viewed as better than any other child, I believe teachers, too, have a set of underlying messages they'd like to convey to parents. I'll call these "messages of teacher goodwill." They are:

Those points made, it should also be noted that New Zealand teachers bring with them amazing skills of resourcefulness and creativity. The old number 8 wire, kiwi ingenuity at its best, is clearly present in teachers' toolboxes. They are problem solvers and innovators. A combination of training and experience often culminates in a standard of teaching comparable to any other in the world. These abilities add a positive dimension and must be recognised, celebrated in the dance between parents and educators.

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Getting to know the dance partner, whether a parent or educator, is crucially important to building positive relationships. I have outlined a generalised set of characteristics of both parents and teachers. Recognise them and respect them but do not make the mistake of assuming every teacher and every parent to be the same. Its important to seek to understand and respect each other's:

Would you care to dance?

Upon establishing the recognition of the need to get to know a dance partner, the next question might be "but how do you do that?" Thinking back to my secondary school and university days I recall "wallflowers," those without dance partners anxiously awaiting some cute guy's request for a dance ... those couples who danced all night as if no one else was on the floor ... the girls who were gutsy enough to ask a guy for a dance ... whispers in the bathroom that "so and so wants to dance the next slow song with you". In fact, I even recall climbing out a bathroom window once to escape such a prospect! As parents and teachers, we might often feel these same mixed emotions of anxiety and excitement as we come to the dance.

In building positive partnerships I think its crucial that we tap the shoulders of those involved in a gifted child's education, inviting them to join the dance. As parents this should be done through proactively initiating contact with the school. Saunders and Espeland (1991) support this in stating "Too many parents wait until a crisis arises to get involved in the school setting, as which point they charge in angrily. A far better approach is to forge a partnership with your child's other educators from the start ... In proactive advocacy, you try to anticipate needs and prevent problems in advance" (p. 164).

Unfortunately, in some cases this is far easier said than done. A parent, for example, of a gifted 4-year-old recently expressed to me her disappointment in registering her son for school and being asked simply for his name, home address, and date of birth. She said "does it matter that he's been reading for nearly a year now?" Schools don't always have mechanisms in place for parents to initiate a dialogue. Furthermore, many parents feel uneasy about sharing too much information just in case they should be labelled pushy. Additionally, they must jump the hurdle that "Educators know what's best for children. As a parent, you are not a teacher and should leave educational decisions to the schools" (Saunders & Espeland, 1991, p. 182).

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Yet, even with these barriers, we are reminded by educational researchers that "parental persistence is apparently the key factor in success in working with schools" (Gogel, McCumsey, & Heweitt, 1985, cited in Silverman, 1993, p. 168). Nicola Fraser, in her chapter in Gifted and Talented: New Zealand Perspectives, supports this view in stating "...as parents we need to yell, scream, and shout and above all persist, persist, persist ... " (1996, p. 453). Now, while I wouldn't necessarily advocate for yelling and screaming – surely there are better ways to be heard – I do agree that parents of gifted children should remain persistent – perhaps even insistent – in initiating a working partnership with educators.

At the same time, teachers must take some responsibility for overcoming potential partnership barriers. For as Fraser states, "...as educators, we need to do much, much better" (1996, p. 453). In fact, maybe the request for a dance should come from school, rather than home. Welcoming a dialogue to occur, gathering details, probing past experiences, sharing ideas and information, painting a picture of classroom opportunities should be launched by educators. This can be done through parent-teacher conferences, newsletters, questionnaires or inventories, information packages, an open door policy. Whether formal or informal, granting the opportunity for dialogue and discussion can only lead to positive outcomes.

And why is that? you may ask yourself. Beyond gathering information about the teacher or parent, open dialogue allows for a sharing of knowledge about the gifted child to take place. We shouldn't slight or doubt the contribution each party can bring to the choreography of a child's educational dance. For example, good common sense tells us parents can share information about their gifted child: their home, school, and community experiences; hobbies or interests; what books they're reading or musical instruments they play; health concerns; friendships; special abilities; developmental leaps and bounds. They can also often provide support by way of resources and information about giftedness. Teachers, too, have a storehouse of knowledge, including, but not limited to: a child's classroom performance and behaviours; curriculum demands and expectations; structure of the school programme; personal and school philosophy on educating gifted children; outside support, opportunities, and resources; policy issues. While some contributions may overlap, most don't and shouldn't be overlooked or discounted in orchestrating the education of gifted children.

Establishing the partnership between home and school is reliant upon several factors:

I guess its like those high school dances ... some dancers persist, others encourage ... those throwing the party make it possible with good music, strobe lighting, a polished dance floor ... a variety of rhythmic moves fills the room, and that's okay ... and of course, most dancers are there to have fun, to share a good time! So let's talk about dancing!

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Having established a partnership and facilitating it's growth through getting to know one another and open dialogue, the next step is all about maintenance. The key to maintaining a positive relationship between parents and educators is communication – a term used to refer to many different processes and behaviours. The dimensions of communication are many and varied, as are the types used each day. And communication skills are essential to effectively working together – between home and school.

Friend and Cook (1992) describe three types of communication:

The channels we use in interpersonal communication extend beyond the spoken word. Non-verbal communication, for example, can actually play a stronger role in getting a message across than can the words in a message. Using the dance analogy, do you recall Maria's flushed cheeks in the "Sound of Music" as she danced with the Captain? While her style and technique may have been perfect, her rosy cheeks were a dead giveaway to her emotions! In a study conducted in the late 1960s, researchers found that the full impact of an individual's spoken message could be broken down so that the verbal components only count for 7%, with 32% vocal and 55% facial expressions (Friend & Cook, 1992). Valuable information without words? Indeed! In maintaining positive relationships we need to contemplate the best ways to communicate our feelings, ideas, experiences, views, and understandings to others.

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So let's examine communication skills further. Turnbull and Turnbull (1997) in their book Families, Professionals, and Exceptionality: A Special Partnership identify five different types of communication skills.

As parents and educators we must examine our own communication skills, accentuate our abilities, enhance our weaknesses, and work toward blending these in order to create positive communication. Remember, it is the link to success!

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But how? Interestingly, in conducting a literature review to prepare this address I came across oodles of suggestions for parents of gifted children; however, there were virtually no practical points for teachers on how to effectively work with parents of gifted children. Sure, textbooks had sections on families of gifted children. Journal articles discussed theoretical models for facilitating cooperative relationships. But there was very little real advice for teachers. So most of what I'll share with you now – practical tips for making the most of your communciation skills – comes from a base of information directed toward parents ... with my own creative twist for educators!

Dancing the dance ... at last!

Okay! You know your partner, you've been asked to dance, you've got on your dancing shoes ... let's boogey! I intend to spend this part of my address sharing with you some very sensible strategies and examples of good practice in communicating between home and school. I will be speaking to both of my audiences – parents and educators – sometimes simultaneously and at others more exclusively.

To begin, it is important to "go to the source." In an article published in Tall Poppies, the magazine of the New Zealand Association for Gifted Children, I advised parents "... to start at the heart of the concerns you have, and usually that is with the teacher. Then you can work your way up if necessary" (1998, p. 17). The same applies to teachers. Chatting amongst other staff members, other parents, the children themselves will not resolve any issues. Just as I tell my students when there is a problem or concern over course expectations that they shouldn't just talk amongst themselves, but come directly to me, so should parents and teachers do the same. Even if you feel you can predict the outcome, go to the teacher or parent first. If that fails, then move up or over or across the ladder – to a syndicate teacher, principal, school board member. It may be that an advocate is needed to intervene or moderate on your behalf and if so, seek that assistance. Identify as early as possible who needs to be involved and involve those individuals.

The second rule of thumb is what my mother taught us as "the golden rule." Its just good, polite common sense. If you are unable to communicate with others in a way in which you like to be communicated with, then reconsider or rethink your tactics. It is in reactive, not proactive, situations we best need keep this rule in mind. As you may recall, reactive communication is simply responding to an immediate problem; whereas, proactive means to anticipate needs and work to avoid problems from occurring. Its very easy when things go wrong to react in a manner that doesn't reflect the golden rule; so whether you are a teacher or a parent I'd advise the following steps:

It's important to keep the issues clear, not clouding them with emotion, assumptions based upon past experiences, negative reactions, and so on.

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Third, when you're ready to communicate with the other party, consider these points adapted from Sally Walker in her book, The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids (1991):

  1. Make an appointment to meet and talk.
    Now as both a teacher and mother I realise this is not always feasible. But I also know how unfair it has felt at 3:00, after working all day and glad to see my kids, to have been bombarded by a teacher complaint. On the other hand, I've experienced parents meeting me at the door when all I could think was "my gosh! its nearly 8:00 and I've got x, y, and z to do before the bell rings!" In fairness and out of respect for all people involved, set an appointment time. It may even be on a regular basis, depending upon the circumstances. At my sons' school, for example, teachers are available every Tuesday afternoon until 4:00. Also remember that school wide parent-teacher conferences may be a good time to initiate conversations, but due to time constraints and queues of parents, it may not be the most appropriate time for a full discussion. And finally, not all meetings have to be face to face. Use alternative communication methods, too – like phone appointments, e-mail chats, written notes.
  2. Think through what you want to say before you say it.
    The beauty of scheduling a specific time to talk means you are allowed some space in which to get your thoughts together. Writing down particular questions or points may be helpful. Gathering supporting documentation may be to your advantage. Prepare for the meeting, being able to offer not just concerns or problems, but also suggestions for resolution. If you can, alert the other party to the general topic of conversation so they too can be prepared.
  3. Choose your words carefully.
    As suggested in the North Canterbury Parent Support Kit (1997, p. 59) "be straight in your communication; neither aggressive or demanding, nor apologetic and embarrassed." Perhaps honesty is the best policy, but don't forget empathetic listening and transactional communication. Cooper (1997) supports this approach, elaborating that the purpose must be genuine and clear. She writes "...anything less is unfair and likely to backfire" (p. 23). Also, teachers, be careful with what I call 'teacher talk.' Educational jargon can be intimidating and confusing. Finally, I'd suggest starting the dialogue in a positive manner before raising any problematic issues.
  4. Don't expect the other person to do all the work.
    A partnership implicitly indicates parties working together. Parents can volunteer services, provide resources, assume leadership positions, and help find solutions to problems in doing so. Teachers can welcome – and should encourage – that assistance. As Dave Laurie and Annie Bonifant (1997, p. 59) state "Focus on how the problem can be resolved rather than on polarized issues ... " thus creating a them versus us approach. Work together!
  5. Be diplomatic, tactful, respectful.
    Enough said!
  6. Focus on the issue at hand, not on what you think the other person is doing wrong.
    Express your own ideas, concerns, and observations rather than concentrating on what you perceive as problems in the classroom or home. Focus on the present situation, not past experiences. Don't attack or make assumptions about the other party's intentions, feelings, or resulting actions. Keep the discussion focused on the issue itself and possible solutions.
  7. Don't forget to listen.
    Remember your empathetic listening ears. Ask for clarification. Restate what you believe you've heard. Ask questions. And last but not least, Walker (1991) suggests ...
  8. Bring your sense of humour.
    No, not all matters are laughing matters – but a little lightheartedness goes a long way!

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Additionally, during the course of identifying, addressing, and solving educational issues for gifted children, it may be sensible to adopt a problem solving model. Turnbull and Turnbull (1997) recommend the following steps be taken:

At the end of this process and/or a parent-teacher meeting, summarize the key points and future direction to be taken. If need be, schedule a follow-up. It may be necessary to have some "think time" with the intention of further contact or it may be that other people need to be involved. Leave your options open – but do not stop communication if you feel issues are unresolved. Positive partnerships take persistence on both parts – by parents and teachers.

My fourth point in dancing the dance is staying positive! Be constructive. Negativism leads to destruction. Look for opportunities to share "good news" ... accentuate positive experiences ... celebrate successes. I recall teaching a 12-year-old gifted boy named Paul. Paul always seemed to be in trouble. He was an underachiever. His work was left undone. He disrupted class as the class clown. One day Paul was amazingly enthralled and motivated by a class project. He worked hard, cooperated with team members, even made an A+. I called his mother that night ... and she cried on the phone. It was the first time in 7 years she had received such good news from a teacher. That shouldn't happen. Tell teachers about how excited your daughter was while working on a special topic last week .... thank parents for sharing classroom materials ... praise teachers for allowing independent study ... send a note home when an underachiever achieves. Staying positive – rather than totally negative – will do nothing but improve the parent-teacher relationship.

Another tact for staying positive relates to an earlier suggestion regarding choosing words carefully. Sally Walker (1991) gives some examples for parents which I've adapted and I'll share some I've created for teachers. Rather than saying "Why doesn't the school have a policy for gifted children in place? What's wrong with the staff and board of trustees?" ... why not say "I understand the school is working on policy development. What plans are in place for gifted children and how can I be a part of those plans?"

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And teachers, rather than an exasperated "I have 30 students, no resources, no time to work with your child ... who's going to make it anyway" ... why not try "I understand your desire for change; however, my resources and time are limited. Would you be able to assist me or offer suggestions for how I might get more support?" A fresher approach to "Why doesn't this school provide differentiated programmes?" might be "You're doing an excellent job in the school – very innovative and apparently willing to try new ideas. That's why I thought you might be interested in ..." A final example for educators, who I hear time and again say, "All my students have special gifts and talents. I don't like labelling an elite few as gifted" might be a shift to "I believe all individuals have strengths and abilities, but I'd be happy to discuss your child's with you. Perhaps we could schedule an appointment to discuss this further."

Those are just a few examples, but wouldn't it be nice if we could all take on Pollyanna's approach and be positive? Try to maintain a positive twist on things – even in the worst of times. You'll get much further in the end and still create a trusting, honest relationship. In order to maintain a working, positive partnership between home and school, that should be our ultimate goal – a relationship in which their is mutual trust and respect.

The last dance

It all sounds really good, doesn't it? Dreamy, almost ... a ballroom of dancers, gracefully swaying to the music. Its what we all want. But I'd be foolish to stand here today and deny that sometimes dancers are clumsy ... toes are stepped upon ... rhythms clash ... one moves the opposite direction of the other. Yes, there will be conflicts in working together. Yes, some parents will indeed be pushy. And yes, unfortunately, some teachers won't fulfill our expectations. But as a 10-year-old wrote in The Peanut Butter Gang, "Sure realists might be right, but optimists are happy." We mustn't give up hope or idealistic views – even in the face of unpleasant circumstances.

And why? you ask. Because at the centre of the partnership between parents and educators is a child and not just any child, but one with exceptional potential – your child, my child, our child. It is up to parents and teachers to create, choreograph, coach, teach, and applaud the educational dance of that gifted child. And that dance, as all dances, should be an expression of celebration!

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Close your eyes for a moment and think of the times you've danced. I'll share some of my memories, for I've danced a ballet performance as a 12-year-old fairy godmother ... in my father's arms the night we rejoiced over his promotion to General ... in my kitchen with my gorgeous 7-year-old as he sang "You're my brown-eyed girl" ... under the stars in the arms of a man I loved ... the handjive in a movie theatre at the 20th anniversary release of "Grease" and much to my 8-year-old son's horror ... with guys I wished would go away and others I only hoped would stay ... twirling my baby brother around a dance floor at a cousin's wedding ... with a guy who ran his hands down my legs to the beat of the Rolling Stones (just wanted to make sure you were still listening – and by the way, we only danced once!) – slow songs, fast songs – old ones and new – the first dance, the last dance.

And do you know what? After every dance I felt elation, joy, happiness, exhilaration! To New Zealand's parents and teachers of gifted children I ask you ... isn't that what we want for our children? Dare we deny ourselves the opportunity to tango in a partnership that joyfully celebrates the gifted child?

References

Cole, L. & Frieman, B.B. (1998). Parenting Q & A. Parenting for High Potential, Mar., 12–14.

Cooper, C. (1997). When your child is way ahead: What your school should be doing. Parenting for High Potential, Sept., 20–23.

Delisle, J.R. (1992). Guiding the social and emotional development of gifted youth: A practical guide for educators and counsellors. NY: Longman.

Feldhusen, J. F. (1997). Educating teachers for work with talented youth. In N.

Colangelo & G.A. Davis (Eds) Handbook of gifted education (2nd ed) (pp 547–552). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

Fraser, N. (1996). Parenting. In D. McAlpine & R. Moltzen (Eds) Gifted and talented: New Zealand perspectives (pp. 443–454). Palmerston North: ERDC Press.

Friend, M. & Cook, L. (1992). Interactions: Collaboration skills for school professionals. NY: Longman.

Laurie, D. & Bonifant, A. (1997). Parent support kit for gifted and talented children. North Canterbury Support Group.

Riley, T.L. (1998). Communicating educational change for gifted children. Tall Poppies, 23(3/4), 16–18.

Rimm, S.B. (1994). Keys to parenting the gifted child. NY: Barron's Educational Services.

Saunders, J. & Espeland, P. (1991). Bringing out the best. Australia: Hawker Brownlow.

Silverman, L.K. (1993). Counseling the gifted and talented. Colorado: Love Publishing.

Turnbull, A.P. & Turnbull, H.R. (1997). Families, professionals, and exceptionality (3rd ed). New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.

Walker, S. (1991). The survival guide for parents of gifted kids: How to understand, live with, and stick up for your gifted child. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit.

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